I was pillow-talking with The Poet last night, so goddamn fun always. Normally we talk about writing and such but this time we got to talking about dating and sex.
I was asking questions about so many things and he was answering fully and openly. I learned so many interesting things about him including the fact that he has been a part of many threesomes. I'm wondering if I need to give this a go. Probably yes right? Why not? (BECAUSE IT MIGHT BE SCARY?)
What I want to think about now though is the level of connection I want and it sounds like some of his dates have wanted. When I really like someone, love someone even, I want to check in daily. I want to know what is going on in their life and they mine. I want to feel I'm important to them and I want to build a partnership.
The Poet was saying that women consistently want more connection from him than he wants to give, such as texting all day and then talking at night. He needs more downtime, more solo time than that. He loves the person but doesn't want to be in that much contact, wants them to stay fully connected to their friends and family.
I was thinking I, and so many women, want this level of contact but honestly I think some men do too. I think back to guys who wanted more contact than I did. Usually they liked me more than I liked them. I was annoyed with the level of texting Seattle Dave was doing then he stopped saying anything at all. It almost felt like a love bomb thing with him.
However if I was in love with someone, I wanted all the contact I could get. All of those guys are all unattainable in different ways. Perhaps at an intuitive level I knew that. GQ was texting me all day when we first started dating and then we'd be together all night. He started the whole "Sorry work is so busy" thing three weeks in. Spirit never did that. Spirit held his personal space from the beginning so we never shared daily stuff, barely shared weekly, there was sporadic sharing of life. As for Casanova, he was hot like GQ then stopped responding as quickly. Then stopped asking me out. He will go out with me but I have to ask. I'm waffling on what to do about this as I don't want to always be the one asking.
Last night I read A Happy Life in an Open Relationship by Susan Wenzel. I started and finished it in one night. I was captivated by it. She was talking about this level of connection, constant and smothering and how it hurts relationships. She wrote about how she was jealous and felt inadequate when her husband wanted to open their marriage. She got counseling and worked through those feelings and is very happy in their open relationship now. There's a lot more to the book than that.
But what I was thinking about was how I would be so jealous of my person being with someone and how I need to work on that shit. I was thinking of Casanova's three types of men: open and honest, cheaters, or monogamous and resentful. Last week I hung out with Bear. We were on his porch and I told him Casanova's three types. Bear shook his head and said he was immature or something then not fifteen minutes later he says he was hanging with his exclusive woman five or six nights a week for a year, that he felt married, and the other nights he was banging his neighbor. I said, "Wait. You were banging your neighbor?"
He sheepishly said his mouth got ahead of his brain.
I said I didn't give a shit about him doing that. I was just curious about it. Then I just felt sad because he was totally proving Casanova's point. I think it is so interesting that he'd dissed Casanova's three men and then here he is, man two: The Cheater. It feels as if so many men just live in such a dishonest place. They don't tell the truth to others or themselves.
So I'm wondering if I actually WANT to be open, to have a partner but still be open to others. How much of the fears I have are based in not feeling loved, not feeling enough, and/or the societal bullshit we've been taught of what a couple is.
I do know this.
I know I don't want what most people have.
I don't want to grocery shop every Saturday with our coupons. I don't want to argue about chores, spend a lot of money on a yard, I don't want to have to change a lot of what I want to do for a man.
I have to realize this. I have fallen in love with solitude. I love being able to write when I want.
I think I could have a relationship if the man were very independent, loved sex with me, loved cuddling sometimes but being in our own spaces some too.
I will never want the status quo.