Casanova of kc part 2
I thought it ballsy of him to come hangout with my sister and I as he should know no one in my inner circle thinks he is good for me. He did seem off. He progressively got in a better space afterward at the bar; I was glad he came. We did look into each other's eyes a bit but I was trying to read him. Seester thought I was getting hot and bothered. I wasn't. I did kiss him goodbye but it wasn't hot and heavy. He said I need to talk to you, several times. I said okay.
Sunday I messaged I was available Monday and Thursday to meet Happy Hour to talk and that I was going to continue being friends at this point. Nothing.
I asked if either of those worked. No, he said. I dropped it.
Monday I sent a video saying that he needed to let me know if he didn't have space for me, that I'd like a text that day saying when would be good to talk or if he was just too busy. Now, all of a sudden, Monday at Happy Hour was open. I asked him about it later, asked if a date got canceled. He said it was a work thing. I don't believe that.
We met on my porch. I had an ice bucket with white wine all ready. He apologized for being so "straight" and blunt the week before with the three kinds of men and the Larry Flynt quote. I told him how it felt. He said I read too much into things. I said I didn't. He said at one point that I was jaded and needed to ask men's input on things for my writing. I called bullshit on that. I said I was writing about my journey, not what men thought. Also isn't he saying that a man should mansplain my feelings? I'm not sure. He probably doesn't even know what he thinks either.
What I got from our time together last night:
He thinks I'm amazing. (I am. Hello.)
He does want to fuck me silly when he isn't so tired. (LOL.)
He does want to take me on a trip. (Uh huh.)
He doesn't want to lose my friendship (I believe this).
He said my "meta-thinking" drains him. He said his ex-wife did it all the time. I explained that I'm trying to figure out how to be with him still, that he started out in partner mode and then I fell hard and my brain backed off with our umwelt convo a month ago but my heart took a little longer.
I said I had the idea at one point that I'd go off in the world, he'd stay in KC to raise his kid then maybe we'd get together.
"What's with you women?" he responded. "You're the third woman to say something like that to me this week."
Yup that was what he said. Holy hell, right? I explained that he brought great stuff and that he should take it as an honor. He said he had been told that when he is with a woman she feels like she is the most important to him. This is true and this is what tricks you into thinking you are so important to him and I think you are in that moment. He isn't looking at his phone. He is listening and looking into your eyes and romantic and so fun.
I told him I wasn't waiting around and was dating and had no concept of being in a partnership with him now that I saw how things were with him. I was pissed. It didn't feel as if he thought that was special at all and I don't offer it to any rando off the sidewalk. I wasn't even offering anything, just telling him how I'd felt.
We went on to a dive bar and there we tried to talk to each other about other people we were with. I'd asked about a comment he'd made about cancer when I'd talked about Spirit. He'd said he was going through something like that. I asked about it. He said that he'd had a woman over for dinner on date three (he hasn't had me over for dinner since May, he realized it while speaking this and looked sheepish and said he'd like to cook for me again, HA).
I mentioned a long distance man I haven't told you about. Casanova said something was a red flag. Isn't it ironic that this man who for three weeks acted like I was the most important thing on earth, is now fucking half of KC, can't fuck me properly because he can't manage all of his women, his BFF and his drinking, sits there and says this man has red flags. Isn't it hilarious?
Then I said I'd two dates on Sunday, one a virtual date. He disdained this, "I don't go on virtual dates," he sniffed. I pointed out that I'm outta here in less than a year to the PNW so if I find a man there it's gonna be virtual dating, duh. He asked about the man's past. I told him. He said it sounded good. LOL.
Then he asked what my second date was. I said who it was, using their blog nickname. Said how we've been hanging out off and on for 2 1/2 years and that it is no drama, have sex and great pillow talk and that he has thanked me for sex, once mid-coitus. Before I could say I was grateful for this person also, Mr. Casanova said how SAD that was. I said I appreciated being appreciated and that I thanked him too. I asked why he was being so damn judgey, how amazing it was that this person and I like each other, enjoy each other's bodies and went on our merry way until next time. He said it was gross. OMG. He said that. This man who is fucking how many women, who cannot believe he is manipulative. Finally he admitted that it was hard for him to hear "someone he liked with someone else." That made me happy. Good. It had stung. I wasn't trying to make him jealous but I was glad he might know a bit of how his second-date pack of women feel. (He told me a month ago that after a second date "you are in his life," that he didn't "throw people away" like I do.)
We walked around my gorgeous neighborhood, held hands. At one point he got heated and kissed me and pulled my hair. It was fun, the kiss and hair pull, but I held back. I knew nothing was to come of it, that he wasn't going to bang me even though I had an empty house and a luscious bed waiting. He'd already said that he couldn't because he was soooo tired.
I know it sounds so weird after all of that drama above, to walk and hold hands and kiss some. I enjoyed the moment for what it was. I didn't tell you all the good things he said because they don't matter.
It was probably one of our last times to hangout as I'm not asking anymore. If I don't ask, I can't imagine that he will have the planning and foresight to ask me ahead of time. I'm not holding nights aside in case he is available. But also I'm not going to "throw him away" as I'd like to see where his journey goes and it's fucking interesting talking to him. He's in his year of sluttery. He does care about me; I know he does.
My heart is no danger anymore. I don't care who he sees or what he does.
He is not my person, never will be my person.
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